How Chicago Saved Me

Today I spent a blissful day walking around Chicago. The weather was perfect, and I took full advantage of that to do some things that I hadn't done yet and to enjoy some of my favorite things in the city. It's beginning to set in that I'm about to leave my adopted home, and I'm realizing how much I'm going to miss it. So while I'm feeling nostalgic, I thought I would take the opportunity to write about what brought me here.

As the title of this blog says....Chicago saved me.

Not to be dramatic, but before I moved here to begin grad school--I felt like I was drowning. I knew what I wanted to do with my life career wise, but getting to that point seemed almost impossible. I loved my job as a nanny, but even when you enjoy your day to day you long for the stability and certainty that comes with a career. My family and friends were (and are!) wonderful and supportive, but my frustration with my life weighed on me.

On top of feeling stuck, there was a frustration of feeling like more often than not I was alone. I was in a different place than everyone I knew in Nashville. While all of my friends were getting married and having babies and being "grown ups", I felt stuck and different. There were times when the loneliness was so deafening that I thought I would never escape it. I spent so many nights feeling sad and questioning why my life had turned out so different from everyone else. Writing this now, I feel like I was just throwing myself a huge pity party all of the time. I did love many aspects of my life, but I knew that if I stayed in Nashville my life would never move forward.

I still remember the night that I first thought about the possibility of Chicago. It was the Fourth of July, 2010. I was at the fireworks show in Mt. Juliet with my sister and my cousins, Grant and Olivia. I can't remember what was said, but somehow the topic of Chicago came up. I spent the entire fireworks show thinking about the possibilities, went home that night, and began doing some research. About two months later, I had decided that one way or another I was going to move to Chicago.

This is going to sound so cliché and funny now, but here it goes. As most people who know me can attest--I'm not the biggest fan of country music. There are some artists that I don't mind, but on the whole...it's just not my thing. However, one of the things I remember vividly about the week before I moved is driving alone and listening to the Rascal Flatts song, "I'm Moving On" and bawling my eyes out. It was exactly how I felt about leaving Nashville. Every. Single. Line. I felt such a peace about getting out and leaving all of the sadness and mistakes behind me. It makes me laugh now, but at the time it was DEEP!

In August 2011, I moved to Chicago. I was scared and nervous and so unsure about what I had done. The last few days in Nashville were a whirlwind of emotion. I remember the plane taking off from the airport in Nashville and flying over my church. I stared at the window and cried and cried. I have never been more scared or excited or relieved or unsure all at the same time before or since that moment. Over the past 3 years, I have grown and changed in ways that I never could have in Nashville. I have grown in my faith in ways that were unimaginable then. I have learned to love and accept the chapter of life that I'm in now, and take advantage of all of the perks that come along with it. Chicago saved me. When I say that, I don't mean the city--I mean the entire experience. It saved me. It brought me back to the land of the living. It gave me a purpose outside of feeling sorry for myself. It made me look BEYOND myself. It brought back my sense of compassion and justice and wanting to help others. It made me strong. It made me hope and dream again. It made me realize that when my faith and trust are in the right place, I truly can accomplish great things. This experience wasn't about me. It was about God working through me, and most importantly, IN me.

I'm so happy about moving back to Nashville. I'm nervous too, but I feel like I'm taking all sorts of things back with me. It's become my mantra of sorts, but I know that if God has opened all of the doors this far...I know He'll continue to open them. I feel such a peace about my decision. I feel just like I did about moving to Chicago--driven. I know that God has plans for me there and I can't wait to see how they will unfold.